Hunter’s birth story
It has taken me over 6 weeks to finally “write” this all down (and it's been over 2 years since my last post!). It’s been time consuming and exhausting and difficult to find adequate words to describe the emotional roller coaster of new motherhood. But it’s important to me to document my story, and it’s been therapeutic to share what happened and reflect on the highs and lows of this birth experience. I’ve always loved hearing and reading about others’ birth stories which is part of why I became a labor and delivery nurse in the first place. Mine is not especially dramatic or earth-shattering and there were never any life or death moments, but it did shake up my world more than I thought it would.
Cory and I went to the hospital at 11am on Saturday May 25th for a scheduled non-stress test that my doctor scheduled since I was almost a week overdue. I had been having contractions that morning but nothing painful. By noon, the test was complete, but the contractions were getting more intense. I was 3-4cm dilated, but I had been 3cm for a few weeks, so the on-call doctor was still unsure if this really was labor. Luckily, about 2 hour later, I was 6cm! Cory called my doula Casey and we were admitted to a labor room.
Just before getting admitted. So young and naive then. Lol
The staff knew that I was an OB nurse, but they were good at treating me like any other patient which is what I wanted. Although, it was pretty difficult to turn off my nurse brain and avoid watching the monitor too closely. I also felt for the nurses when it took them 4 tries to get my IV in. Of course I usually have fantastic veins, but they were not cooperative that day (I'm not really a believer in the "nurse curse", but this was just the tip of the iceberg of this whole experience that makes me think differently now). It's not fun having to apologize to your patient again and again when they're already in pain! I was determined to be a good patient as best I could after that.
Moving forward, I was very confident that I could achieve the natural labor that I wanted since I was in full-blown labor and wasn't miserable yet, although I was nervous about the on-call doctor who was not okay with intermittent monitoring because he was "very conservative" as he put it (my doctor wasn't there since it was the weekend). Luckily, the wireless monitor worked well so I was able to be as mobile as I wanted, and he was okay with me being off IV fluids when I wasn't receiving the penicillin infusions (these treated the group b strep - a common bacteria that's harmless for moms but potentially fatal for babies). Those infusions were the worst parts since I couldn't move much and they made my arm really achy. Now I know what my patients are talking about!
To cope with labor, I walked the halls, sat in the tub, stood in the shower (that was the most helpful), leaned over the bed with a birthing ball...all with Cory and Casey's help with methods like massage, counter-pressure, and aroma therapy. I had an excellent team! Music is a big deal to me, so my Spotify playlist was on in the background too. Our families were in the waiting room praying for us. I felt so loved and supported.
I didn’t expect it to take long to get to 10cm since I was more than halfway there when I was admitted, but 6 hours later just before 9pm, I was only 8cm and about 80% effaced and baby's position was still pretty high (about -1 station). The doctor wanted to break my water at that time which made me a little nervous since that could potentially make contractions much more painful, but I wanted to avoid getting pitocin which I knew he would want to start next. So, he broke my water, and at 10:30pm, I was complete!
I had made it drug free! 10cm, 100% effaced, but his head was still -1 to 0 station which meant I’d probably have to push for a long time. But his heart rate was in great shape and I felt ready for the hard work that would get this baby out. I was waiting for that feeling I tell all my labor patients - “constant pressure between contractions” or “like you have to poop” - which indicates that baby’s head is moving down and it’s really time to push. About 30 minutes went by and still no pressure, but I was ready to be done! I finally began to push...
...And push...and push. 2 hours later, still no baby. No progress at all. I tried pushing on my back, on my side, on all fours, with a ribozo blanket (look it up, it’s pretty cool!), and nothing was working. What was I doing wrong?? I’ve coached women through this hundreds of times: Deep breath and hold it in, bear down - all in your bottom, push for 10 seconds with all your might, then let it out and go right into the next push...I’ve never been more frustrated in my life. When the doctor evaluated my progress, he mentioned how narrow my pelvis felt. My contractions were also spacing out as if my uterus was tiring out. That’s when I knew this was gonna end in surgery. But I wasn’t ready to give up yet.
He let me push a little more and even asked Casey if she had any more suggestions. She asked for a squatting bar, but they didn’t have one. And the doctor was strongly opposed to me trying anything out of bed. He offered my last option: an epidural. The hope was for it to relax my body enough for my pelvis to open allowing the baby to move down, then I could try pushing again. I figured even if it didn’t work, at least I’d have some relief before heading the OR. I accepted.
Around 2:30am, the nurse anesthetist gave me the epidural which was pretty wonderful. I was able to doze off for a bit, and I don’t know how much time had passed when I tried pushing again, but it was no use. The doctor was very kind and empathetic when he told me we were out of options. It was 3:30am and the baby hadn’t budged. I consented for the c-section.
The medical term for this situation is “Arrest of descent” or “Failure to descend.” I remember one patient of my own this happened to who pushed for 4 hours before having a c-section. I knew how defeated she must have felt, so I made sure to tell her how strong she was and that she did everything she could because that was the truth. I admired her strength, but it was one of my biggest fears about labor. And now here I was in her shoes.
I said aloud that I felt at peace with this, but internally, I was battling a whirlwind of negative thoughts. I had failed. I was weak. I had every reason to expect a normal natural birth, but I blew it. I had done something wrong, or I hadn’t done enough. I had always thought that if I ended up with a c-section, it would be due to some type of emergency or baby’s position or something totally out of my control like that. Now the one part of labor I had some control over didn’t work. My favorite part of my job is when a mom who’s pushing says “I can’t do this!” and I get to say to her “You ARE doing this! You are so strong and you’ve got this!”, and then a supernatural force takes over giving them this power to birth their babies. How could I go back to coaching women through this when I couldn’t do it myself?
It felt very surreal laying on the table in the OR being prepped for surgery, like it was happening to someone else. Tears streamed down my face as I envisioned each step of the procedure I had observed so many times knowing the trauma my body was about to endure. I was so exhausted and struggled to keep my eyes open, but I fought to keep the big picture in mind: my son was about to be born! Cory was right by my side telling me how proud of me he was, and he brought my phone with him so I could still listen to my playlist. JJ Heller’s version of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” came on, and at 4:52am, I heard those first sweet cries. I was undone. The doctor held him up to the clear drape for our first glance at his beautiful face. He was perfect - APGAR scores 9 and 9, healthy set of lungs, full head of hair, 9lbs 4oz, 21 inches. Born exactly 1 week overdue. The instant he was placed on my chest skin-to-skin, he was quiet and peaceful. The first thing I remember saying to him was “You’re real!” I couldn’t believe he was my baby. Our Hunter Isaac.
We were in the hospital for 4 more days. I couldn’t have asked for a smoother recovery: Minimal blood loss, minimal pain, good appetite, stable vital signs, good looking incision. Hunter did great too. His blood sugar was monitored throughout the first day because of his large size and we eventually had to follow a feeding plan due to his weight loss, but he was very healthy. I had so much to be thankful for, yet I was overcome with sadness. I was grieving the birth experience that I missed out on, plus the hormones and sleep deprivation (the most brutal part!) were huge factors. I knew my feelings were valid, but then I was riddled with guilt. Mine and Hunter’s lives were never in danger, and I had an excellent support system. I thought about women who have to be separated from their babies for medical reasons and those whose babies don’t survive. Not to mention those who are unable to have biological children. It took us a year and half to conceive Hunter (nothing compared to so many others who struggle), and there was a time that I would have given anything to have a baby no matter how I had to deliver him. Now here I was with everything I ever wanted (after a really easy and healthy pregnancy), and I was ashamed for feeling anything but joy.
By God's grace, As my body began to heal, so did my heart. Being surrounded by family and friends who listened and supported us made all the difference. Cory stepped into his dad role seamlessly, and I got to watch the sweetest bond grow between him and Hunter. He was my rock as I cried and poured out my heart to him at all hours of the night. He took care of both me and Hunter till I could fully take care of myself. Then I was able to take care of Hunter more which really helped my psyche. At one point during our second night at home, just he and I were awake together as fed and changed him and sang him back to sleep. It was the first time I had done that all on my own, and I even got a hint of a smile from him. I finally felt like a real mom.
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| 7-10-19 |
Cried like a baby reading your story. <3 So grateful you and Hunter are healthy! Thanks for sharing :)
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